Confessions of a Digital Nomad

 She's dating someone else. I was partly shattered when I heard this yesterday. You know, my relationship has been a mixed bag of many many emotions. I guess that's why I need to move forward. Too much trauma, too much hurt, I can't take it anymore. So I'm writing this for closure once and for all. To Her, You told me to not hold on, that you will be taking an opportunity that comes your way. What about all that I put in? What about the intent to always make it work? I know you lost faith on us this year when I took the decision. Honestly I tried my best, I did my best to solve our issue logically. But it broke you, it broke your strength. Maybe if we had not broken up the first two times, things would have been different. Either way, 2023 has traumatised me to the core. It's broken me to pieces. Logically, I know it's for the best that we're parting ways, because my body cannot take any more hurt. The idea of hearing from you traumatises me, I'm in shoc...

"The Time Travellers". That's the name of the episode from 'How I Met Your Mother' that left the most profound influence on me. Almost to the end of the episode, Ted realizes that life has moved on and he is all alone. All those moments spent in the bar in his prime, partying, hitting on women, being through life with the best of his friends, are simply gone. He sits dreaming for hours and eventually realizes the value of time. I love this episode for multiple reasons. It communicates depth, that life waits for no one. Eventually, the bonds that were once golden, loosen and people drift apart. I did not pay attention to this specific part of the episode so much. The next one, where he runs to meet The Mother is what always melted me. I guess today its different. Life seems to be moving too fast off late. Not in the sense that I am too busy to live or feel. People are drifting away from me. Friends, are looking forward to settle down, people are taking leaps of fai...

What if we model our internal state, our measure of what emotions we feel at any given point in time, mathematically? What if we put numbers to indicate what we feel and maybe try to gain some insight out of it? A train of thought I stumbled upon lowkey blew my mind today. Let's say following the theory of having six basic emotions, the emotional state of a person is one of these six states, denoting one of happy,sad,disgust,anger,surprise,fear. You'd want a person to be stable in the midst of chaos, an ability to keep their calm in the presence of the enormous uncertainties of life. I'd argue the goal in life is to not remain in a perpetual state of happiness. Let's face it, that's simply not plausible (or perhaps it is, I've been so fascinated by the limits of meditation and the neuroplasticity of the mind to get you to a place of biss). The goal rather is, to be able to get oneself back to a state of happiness, no matter what the initial state is, and do that...

 Overthinking engulfed a significant portion of the past couple years of my life. These were issues about me which I was plainly oblivious to, until of course I entered a relationship. You hurt the people closest to you. You fear your worst fears, not in the sense that love makes you feel them, but in the sense that you spiral about losing love and losing the person you're with. You tend to villanize the people closest to you. Reality gets submerged under the layers of possibilities you cook up in your head, enumerating all possible cases of what ifs, acting on them and ruining your and your person's mental peace. I've honestly tried multiple times to get a hold of overthinking and the anxieties that come with it. Not that I've been successful at it, but the efforts were always true to my core. They weren't consistent though, which might explain why nothing really got me over it. But I feel I never really dug deep into handling these thoughts for myself. I've ha...

 I resigned from my first job today. Honestly, I don't really know how to process the emotions that this decision has come with. Relief, to some extent, of getting out of something I was'nt truly 'feeling'. You know those moments in life when you accomplish something and feel the dopamine rush momentarily? The win after the mini cricket tournament in the society? The office team badminton championships? It makes you feel alive. There's something to be said about chasing this feeling, for a period longer than fleeting moments. I guess that is why I took my decision. I've been fortunate to get another opportunity, having elements that I desperately yearned for over the past two years. The future is uncertain, and to be honest a little scary too. But going all in is what makes life worth living. I also feel gratitude. The mundane chores which were seemingly frustrating or monotone, suddenly seem to not bother me anymore. Gratitude for everything this place has give...

The concept of a higher power has always allured me, a person who has had a pious constitution for as long as he can remember. This belief always helped me confide in something external, with the hope that everything will work out eventually. Humans, I believe are wired that way. A comprehensive debate with my flatmate, a few months ago, led us to the conclusion that hope, by the very nature of it, is a primal instinct. Think about it this way. Every living being wants survival, and would always want to deal with the uncertaintities of life with some kind of optimism. That implicitly implies taking your fears and putting them on something external, with the idea that things will work out for you. I will someday write more about this, trying to convince you in case you differ with me. Today I need to pen down a moment, probably the most life changing moment I've experienced in my life so far. When I took a psychology class in college, I never understood the significance of eudaimoni...

I spiralled today, big time. I recently heard about the concept of a panic attack. They say that your chest shuts down, and the walls seem to close in on you. In that very moment, you feel like just getting out of that moment, whatever it takes for it. I wouldn't call my experience a panic attack per se. But it was horrible. Pretty close to it. I am coming to terms with the fact that this all was probably the biggest mistake of my life. It was a mistake because I don't feel that strongly about my desires anymore, the very reason I took the step. Caprice will probably kill me someday. I wish I could tell her how much I regret this and will want to work to get over it. How much I value and love her as a wonderful human being, how much I cherish our intellectual conversations, how much I wish I did not overthink and spiral that day. I don't think it makes any difference anymore. I hope to God it would. Probably life has other plans, or maybe this had to happen this way for us ...