Probably the Biggest Mistake of My Life

I spiralled today, big time. I recently heard about the concept of a panic attack. They say that your chest shuts down, and the walls seem to close in on you. In that very moment, you feel like just getting out of that moment, whatever it takes for it. I wouldn't call my experience a panic attack per se. But it was horrible. Pretty close to it.


I am coming to terms with the fact that this all was probably the biggest mistake of my life. It was a mistake because I don't feel that strongly about my desires anymore, the very reason I took the step. Caprice will probably kill me someday. I wish I could tell her how much I regret this and will want to work to get over it. How much I value and love her as a wonderful human being, how much I cherish our intellectual conversations, how much I wish I did not overthink and spiral that day. I don't think it makes any difference anymore. I hope to God it would. Probably life has other plans, or maybe this had to happen this way for us being together eventually. Who knows.


I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow. Not sure how that'll go. It's high time I deal with overthinking and learn to channel and center myself, learn to understand my volatility, understand and improve myself as a person. Will probably write about it. Until next time.

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