The Markov Chain of Overthinking

 Overthinking engulfed a significant portion of the past couple years of my life. These were issues about me which I was plainly oblivious to, until of course I entered a relationship. You hurt the people closest to you. You fear your worst fears, not in the sense that love makes you feel them, but in the sense that you spiral about losing love and losing the person you're with. You tend to villanize the people closest to you. Reality gets submerged under the layers of possibilities you cook up in your head, enumerating all possible cases of what ifs, acting on them and ruining your and your person's mental peace.

I've honestly tried multiple times to get a hold of overthinking and the anxieties that come with it. Not that I've been successful at it, but the efforts were always true to my core. They weren't consistent though, which might explain why nothing really got me over it. But I feel I never really dug deep into handling these thoughts for myself. I've had a few realisations though, over the past month and a half, owing to the first chapter's verses of The Bhagvad Gita and innumerable conversations with some really close people.

I'd say my overthinking buckets itself into three phases. First, where I'm anxious about things I can control and can act on. I've spiralled many a time over career and low self confidence in myself and my abilities. I've realised taking action is the only way to calm yourself down in this case. Work, work hard, work insanely hard. Work without attachment to the fruits of work, work to remain in flow. Have gratitude for the privilege you have to be able to work like this, and stick to it. Over time, work becomes the purpose in and of itself and you feel secure in your abilities owing to the effort put in. I wouldn't say I've been following this for too long, but over the last month, being in this headspace has surely reduced my career related spirals. Be grateful, do good work, and work for the welfare of ones close and far.

The second bucket, is anxieties on things I have no control over. This is where things like villanizing people come in. I've villanized my partner a lot of times over the course of my (now obsolete) relationship. She was the purest of people but I've painted pictures of her acting with intentions of harming me. Reality couldn't ever have been farther from the truth. Any kind of anxiety of this type requires a positive thinking loop to counter it. The way I'm starting to do that is by repetition of some positive message to counteract the negativity inducing current in my subconscious. Wish well for the people close to you, wish them all the happiness in the world. Keep at it. Believe, believe that things will pan out for the best. Believe that the dots will connect.

The third bucket I've realized is self sabotage. I keep spiraling into hopelessness, thinking I would'nt be good enough or would say never find someone who loves me for myself. This is where tackling the subconscious undercurrent helps. Repetition of something positive, say "I will find love", "I am amazing", "I am awesome" helps calm the mind down. It's surprising how such simple actions help maintain peace.

I don't really know if these are transitory or long lasting solutions. But I've genuinely been feeling great this evening after following these techniques. I've been feeling calmer and more in control over the past month too than I've been in a very long time. I guess that's enough reason to pin this down. If nothing this'll serve as my reference the next time I start overthinking.

The world's a beautiful place. I'd give anything to make it better, better the lives of as many people as I can. That's the goal. Positivity from the inside out. That's where the Markov Chain converges.