The Agony Behind Letting Go

 To the one who broke my heart,

Fuck you!

It's extremely difficult for me to let you go, for what you've done. I know it's my mistakes because of which I'm here. But it could've been so different had you stood up for what you showed yourself to be. When the going got tough, you gave up. Within a few weeks, you started picturing a new life. I never did that. I shouldn't ever have given so much for you. I gave my everything, let you know what it meant to me, fought for it. You killed me and yet I was standing, as a support to make it work. You know where my intentions were, even at my worst. I still was standing, despite how it all seemed to be. Yet you chose to walk away. You knew my issues, you knew how much I am willing to work on everything, grow as a person. You said you were sure, that I was worth it. Knowing all of this, where the fuck did that strength go when "I" needed it the most? I fucking hate you for it. I thought taking time will make me start to feel better. But this emotion... The emotion of hating myself because of what I did for you, without any fucking form of reciprocation whatsoever? It's killing me inside. This is probably a rant not worth putting out there, because I just don't want the world to know I hate someone so much for not fighting for me, given everything I did. But I guess it's the rawer part of me, and at least this place should have this picture of me as well. Someday, I know I'll be past this. But the journey's a fucking tough one. The loops are constantly troubling me, the expectations of what I had and imagined things to be like weigh too heavily on my shoulders. 

This agony will never let me be at peace with you, probably even in my thoughts. It's frustrating that consciously I want to let go and be past everything, but am just not able to. It fucking sucks. I get all the logical viewpoints on this, I can empathise with you. But honestly, my heart always knew that you never felt that strongly about us. It was stemming from guilt, or loneliness maybe, and you knew it deep down. I just was too naive to believe this. You know if the tables were turned what I'd have done. You know everything. I expected the same, but I guess you did not feel I was worth putting that effort for. 

This is not an exercise in penning a logical thought process down. I've been through that over and over, a million times, and empathised with you in every possible form. Logically, I know everything there is to know, so this is not that. This is a rant, purely irrational and emotional. It has no meaning beyond how I feel. For all the logical breaking of cognitive distortions my mind seems to be creating, I for once just want to express how it's been "feeling" like for the past few months. This is how I feel and I will continue to hate you for not fighting for it, till the day it naturally subsides away.

Update 2/5/25

I know everything written above is unfair to you, and the fact that I am being unfair is not letting me sit with it. That being said, it's purely what I feel and this emotion is what it is for a reason I don't want to dig deep into at this point in time. I am aware of everything rationally, but now is not the time to bring my rational brain into the picture.