A Spiritual Awakening

The concept of a higher power has always allured me, a person who has had a pious constitution for as long as he can remember. This belief always helped me confide in something external, with the hope that everything will work out eventually. Humans, I believe are wired that way. A comprehensive debate with my flatmate, a few months ago, led us to the conclusion that hope, by the very nature of it, is a primal instinct. Think about it this way. Every living being wants survival, and would always want to deal with the uncertaintities of life with some kind of optimism. That implicitly implies taking your fears and putting them on something external, with the idea that things will work out for you. I will someday write more about this, trying to convince you in case you differ with me. Today I need to pen down a moment, probably the most life changing moment I've experienced in my life so far. When I took a psychology class in college, I never understood the significance of eudaimonia from a philosophical perspective. It seemed like they were trying to crack the code for happiness, not give you a belief system. But today, I can connect the dots to realize that all of philosophy was developed to do the same thing. Our ancestors were way smarter than our scientific geniuses. 


They say adversity tends to bring the most valuable lessons in life. Quite rightly so. My breakup has been a mix bag of emotions so far. Over the last week, it's been gut wrenching at times, and unconditionally hopeful, other times. But it all kind of converged yesterday. I had an awakening. Looking back on this day -  The 24th of May, 2024 -   at any point of time in my life, I will  know for sure that it changed my life.


Agonizing over all the details of the breakup, feeling immensely regretful for messing things up, uncertain about the future and with a million other thoughts racing in my head, here I was, sitting at my desk, trying to prepare for an upcoming test, and unable to comprehend a single word. I couldn't help myself from spiralling into all the negative thinking loops, thinking about the what ifs. Until I heard a voice. As a student of math, and always having believed in science and empiricism, I would have said that it was a subconscious thought simply making its presence in my realm of perception. Not today though. Calling it magical would be an understatement. I felt as if God spoke to me in that moment.

"Who are you to think over what happened and what you could have done? I gave you everything and I have the power to take everything away from you in an instant". A sudden relief went down my spine. I felt empowered in that moment, I felt I was not alone. It felt as if all the small things that had to go right for me to find her, was God given. (To her) If you ever happen to read this, I don't know if you'll remember, but I've always said that talking to you, at times felt a very subconscious undertaking. I would say things in the moment, which would blow you away, but never be able to comprehend this ability to string together such an eloquent monologue out of thin air. Today, it feels that it was a higher power speaking to you through me. I was simply the intermediary. The Bhagvad Gita is the absolute truth. Humans are simply intermediaries to doing God's work. It's God who works through you. If I have the humility to accept this fact, I have to accept that everything that happened, happened for a reason. God made it so, and the dots will connect one day, eventually down the line.


Saying that I've been freed from the inside, cannot even come close to my experience of yesterday. I feel optimistic. I feel I'm not alone. I feel it all happened for a reason, one way or another. In case it's meant to be, it had to happen this way so that it would never break in the future. If not, the reason will become apparent one day. All I can do is wish well for her, be thankful to God for everything he gave me, and have immense gratitude for where I am in life.


I had a spiritual awakening.


24/5/24

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