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Catharsis : Volume 1

 It’s 1pm. I’m at Third Wave, sitting with my laptop, somehow trying to find a way to pass time till my VISA biometric appointment. I don’t see a way to do that. Let’s work, my workaholic brain says. “Let’s make some alpha!”. I’d normally be happy to indulge in the intellectual endavour as always, but I was kindof bored today. So I let it slip. “Shadow work” called out my brain again. Ugh, not nowww. If anything, I’m least interested in a therapy session, that too sitting in a cafe. Too public a setting. I cannot let anyone see me cry, right? What’s the harm in trying though? Anyway, with my therapy sessions so far, I have’nt really cried once, I don’t see how that is to change today. “Let’s try”, I say. I pick up my phone, go to whatsapp to load up the chats which need the phone application to sync. In what felt like ages before the older chats actually showed up, I contemplated if it was actually a good idea to do this. “Maybe not”, I say. If it’s taking so long maybe it’s a ...
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On the fear of dying alone: A cope?

 It's been a tough day so far. Heavy chest, aching heart and a ton of sorrow. I get that the breakup still lingers, I've not fully moved on. But it's getting better. This is not that feeling though. It's the loss of hope, a loss of faith in love, a loss that makes me think if I'll ever find love again. I've advertised myself to be a hopeless romantic in this place, and at the core of it, I still am. It's just one of those days when I feel sad and hopeless, but I know it's just an emotion and it'll pass. Interestingly enough, I started contemplating on my fear of dying alone about an hour ago. What if I never find someone? How would life be like? A deep rooted fear of abandonment from childhood does not really help me think straight when it comes to answering such questions. But I still tried, clinging on to that last piece of hope I did have even in the excruciating agony I was in. Some answers that came naturally to me were "Adopt and raise a d...
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The Agony Behind Letting Go

 To the one who broke my heart, Fuck you! It's extremely difficult for me to let you go, for what you've done. I know it's my mistakes because of which I'm here. But it could've been so different had you stood up for what you showed yourself to be. When the going got tough, you gave up. Within a few weeks, you started picturing a new life. I never did that. I shouldn't ever have given so much for you. I gave my everything, let you know what it meant to me, fought for it. You killed me and yet I was standing, as a support to make it work. You know where my intentions were, even at my worst. I still was standing, despite how it all seemed to be. Yet you chose to walk away. You knew my issues, you knew how much I am willing to work on everything, grow as a person. You said you were sure, that I was worth it. Knowing all of this, where the fuck did that strength go when "I" needed it the most? I fucking hate you for it. I thought taking time will make me s...
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An Open Letter to My Future Wife

 Hey You,   It's funny to observe the dichotomy in the fact that I want to write so much to You, but am simply unable to have any coherent thought the moment I start to. Sounds a lot like formulating what consciousness is in my view of the world, but that's for another time. Three years ago, I would'nt have had the slightest inclination to write down something like this. Ohh have I grown with regard to that! I don't know if I have anything particular to say to You tonight. I know we're not in each other's lives yet, and maybe it will take a while before we meet. But I'd rather take the wait than rushing into the process. I, as I am currently, need to grow a lot in life. I need to love myself first before I can love You. It's a long journey and I am working my best to get there as soon as I can. All I would ever want for us is to love each other unconditionally, and build our journey on a foundation of unconditional faith and intent. That is all I will ev...
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An Open Letter to Myself

Hey You, I've always had that I will use "You", with the capital emphasis, for the person I love. It always gave me a "The One"ish vibe. I guess I forgot loving You in the process. I don't think I've ever really loved You, respected You. With so many baggages since childhood, I don't think I ever truly could. I guess I owe it to You to start now, it's high time. You've had a rough childhood emotionally. 8th to 10th was not a particularly happy time for you. You lost some close support and grew lonely for that while. That's stayed all these years and You carried that into your relationship. Deep down, You've always been afraid of dying alone, that people won't love You back. Add to that Your practical distancing from any female contact and You've never thought You'd be worthy of ever being with someone. Yeah, that was bad. Suddenly Your relationship happened and for the first time in Your life, You felt loved and accepted. ...
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It's Time to Move On

 She's dating someone else. I was partly shattered when I heard this yesterday. You know, my relationship has been a mixed bag of many many emotions. I guess that's why I need to move forward. Too much trauma, too much hurt, I can't take it anymore. So I'm writing this for closure once and for all. To Her, You told me to not hold on, that you will be taking an opportunity that comes your way. What about all that I put in? What about the intent to always make it work? I know you lost faith on us this year when I took the decision. Honestly I tried my best, I did my best to solve our issue logically. But it broke you, it broke your strength. Maybe if we had not broken up the first two times, things would have been different. Either way, 2023 has traumatised me to the core. It's broken me to pieces. Logically, I know it's for the best that we're parting ways, because my body cannot take any more hurt. The idea of hearing from you traumatises me, I'm in shoc...
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The Time Travellers

"The Time Travellers". That's the name of the episode from 'How I Met Your Mother' that left the most profound influence on me. Almost to the end of the episode, Ted realizes that life has moved on and he is all alone. All those moments spent in the bar in his prime, partying, hitting on women, being through life with the best of his friends, are simply gone. He sits dreaming for hours and eventually realizes the value of time. I love this episode for multiple reasons. It communicates depth, that life waits for no one. Eventually, the bonds that were once golden, loosen and people drift apart. I did not pay attention to this specific part of the episode so much. The next one, where he runs to meet The Mother is what always melted me. I guess today its different. Life seems to be moving too fast off late. Not in the sense that I am too busy to live or feel. People are drifting away from me. Friends, are looking forward to settle down, people are taking leaps of fai...
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