Confessions of a Digital Nomad

 To the one who broke my heart, Fuck you! It's extremely difficult for me to let you go, for what you've done. I know it's my mistakes because of which I'm here. But it could've been so different had you stood up for what you showed yourself to be. When the going got tough, you gave up. Within a few weeks, you started picturing a new life. I never did that. I shouldn't ever have given so much for you. I gave my everything, let you know what it meant to me, fought for it. You killed me and yet I was standing, as a support to make it work. You know where my intentions were, even at my worst. I still was standing, despite how it all seemed to be. Yet you chose to walk away. You knew my issues, you knew how much I am willing to work on everything, grow as a person. You said you were sure, that I was worth it. Knowing all of this, where the fuck did that strength go when "I" needed it the most? I fucking hate you for it. I thought taking time will make me s...

 Hey You,   It's funny to observe the dichotomy in the fact that I want to write so much to You, but am simply unable to have any coherent thought the moment I start to. Sounds a lot like formulating what consciousness is in my view of the world, but that's for another time. Three years ago, I would'nt have had the slightest inclination to write down something like this. Ohh have I grown with regard to that! I don't know if I have anything particular to say to You tonight. I know we're not in each other's lives yet, and maybe it will take a while before we meet. But I'd rather take the wait than rushing into the process. I, as I am currently, need to grow a lot in life. I need to love myself first before I can love You. It's a long journey and I am working my best to get there as soon as I can. All I would ever want for us is to love each other unconditionally, and build our journey on a foundation of unconditional faith and intent. That is all I will ev...

Hey You, I've always had that I will use "You", with the capital emphasis, for the person I love. It always gave me a "The One"ish vibe. I guess I forgot loving You in the process. I don't think I've ever really loved You, respected You. With so many baggages since childhood, I don't think I ever truly could. I guess I owe it to You to start now, it's high time. You've had a rough childhood emotionally. 8th to 10th was not a particularly happy time for you. You lost some close support and grew lonely for that while. That's stayed all these years and You carried that into your relationship. Deep down, You've always been afraid of dying alone, that people won't love You back. Add to that Your practical distancing from any female contact and You've never thought You'd be worthy of ever being with someone. Yeah, that was bad. Suddenly Your relationship happened and for the first time in Your life, You felt loved and accepted. ...

 She's dating someone else. I was partly shattered when I heard this yesterday. You know, my relationship has been a mixed bag of many many emotions. I guess that's why I need to move forward. Too much trauma, too much hurt, I can't take it anymore. So I'm writing this for closure once and for all. To Her, You told me to not hold on, that you will be taking an opportunity that comes your way. What about all that I put in? What about the intent to always make it work? I know you lost faith on us this year when I took the decision. Honestly I tried my best, I did my best to solve our issue logically. But it broke you, it broke your strength. Maybe if we had not broken up the first two times, things would have been different. Either way, 2023 has traumatised me to the core. It's broken me to pieces. Logically, I know it's for the best that we're parting ways, because my body cannot take any more hurt. The idea of hearing from you traumatises me, I'm in shoc...

"The Time Travellers". That's the name of the episode from 'How I Met Your Mother' that left the most profound influence on me. Almost to the end of the episode, Ted realizes that life has moved on and he is all alone. All those moments spent in the bar in his prime, partying, hitting on women, being through life with the best of his friends, are simply gone. He sits dreaming for hours and eventually realizes the value of time. I love this episode for multiple reasons. It communicates depth, that life waits for no one. Eventually, the bonds that were once golden, loosen and people drift apart. I did not pay attention to this specific part of the episode so much. The next one, where he runs to meet The Mother is what always melted me. I guess today its different. Life seems to be moving too fast off late. Not in the sense that I am too busy to live or feel. People are drifting away from me. Friends, are looking forward to settle down, people are taking leaps of fai...

What if we model our internal state, our measure of what emotions we feel at any given point in time, mathematically? What if we put numbers to indicate what we feel and maybe try to gain some insight out of it? A train of thought I stumbled upon lowkey blew my mind today. Let's say following the theory of having six basic emotions, the emotional state of a person is one of these six states, denoting one of happy,sad,disgust,anger,surprise,fear. You'd want a person to be stable in the midst of chaos, an ability to keep their calm in the presence of the enormous uncertainties of life. I'd argue the goal in life is to not remain in a perpetual state of happiness. Let's face it, that's simply not plausible (or perhaps it is, I've been so fascinated by the limits of meditation and the neuroplasticity of the mind to get you to a place of biss). The goal rather is, to be able to get oneself back to a state of happiness, no matter what the initial state is, and do that...