On My Epiphany Behind Why I Work Hard

 Well well, look who decided to show up and write something after procrastinating for ages. To be fair, it has been really, really hectic over the past few months. Graduate school hardly spares time for sleep, writing is an utmost luxury I guess. I don't know if it's a compulsion of my inner being to write and post something, owing to my absence here, or motivation to start the year with some 'banger' post to keep coming back to. Who cares. I've decided to pen down something important though, on why I have been grinding for a while now, and why I will probably continue that for a while. For people who know me, what I'm going to say might probably come off as arrogance to some degree, or maybe naive to some, but I will go ahead and say it anyway, with due explanation following the claim.

You see, I've never worked hard in life. Now, for those who know me, seeing my accomplishments on paper (not that I'm particularly proud or arrogant about anything), this might seem like I'm being cocky and coming off as 'being smart'. That less effort and more smarts got me here. The reality cannot be farther from the truth. I would not consider myself to be particularly smart. Sure, I'd agree there are a few things that come naturally to me compared to the population at broad, but I definitely am not crossing 3 standard deviations of the normal. What I mean when I say that I've not worked hard, is the fact that I've only put in effort in life where I was "feeling" it. Everything else was a grind, and I've never given two shits about it. This explains why I've hated my first job after a point, why I've never been consistent with fitness, why I've dunked on a few classes in college because I felt they were boring. Somewhere along the way, I realized life has been kind to me by giving me opportunities that I truly thrived in, but also eventually stumbled upon a gnawing realization; the realization that I don't really have anything under control. I never grinded competitive programming, and hence I was failing all my lateral hire interviews miserably. I never put in the effort to improve my physique, which is why I've always been underconfident about my own perception. I've never experienced cut-throat competition in college, and hence I've come to be underconfident about my own skillset. Deep down I knew all of this, and I obviously knew I needed to get out of it. I just did not know how. The naive and immature me's answer was to just grind without any aim. After spending a couple of years at my first job, I just pushed myself to do things on the side, to build skills, to learn new stuff. So much to the point, that being productive just made me feel good. It was'nt a thrill behind value creation, it was coping for a void that needed healing. Subconsciously, I knew I needed graduate school to overcome my fears, because this was the perfect opportunity for it. Coming in, I know I will be competing with arguably the best cohort in the world, exams will be tough, research will be hard. A great test bed to push myself and see what I've got. So when looking at my decision in hindsight, and the amount of growth I've had over the past semester in terms of just building self-belief, I know I made the right call. I needed this, more than my logical brain could understand. My heart knew, and I'm glad I followed it through.

I guess this was a substantial digression from what I wanted to talk about, but its been a while since I've been here, so I'll let it pass. Right, so why do I work hard. Well, if the above premise were indeed true, then I should just be content now. If I'm still pushing myself, then I've probably still not healed, and probably my justification below is just coping or denial of acceptance of this fact. I don't particularly believe so, and I'll make a reference to my value system for this.

For the longest time in life, I've felt a calling for the destitute. Every time I enjoy something material, a part of me feels for children who cry because of envy, what they'd not give to be where I am. I don't know if it's a deeper emotion that needs processing, maybe someday I will figure it out. However, the emotion has been a part of me for as far back as I can remember. I don't know if this inspired my value system, but today, the way I see it, I feel responsible. Responsible, not in the sense of being independent and capable of raising a family. Responsible in the sense of giving back, using the gifts I have to give back to as many under-privileged fractions of society as I can. I believe that where one is born, is probably the biggest lottery one plays in life. Funnily enough, one has no control over where one is 'spawned', yet it ends up influencing so much of one's future. At times, I just imagine if I were born in a war-torn country instead of India, you know? No matter how good I was in any particular skill, life would've been hell, probably not been that long a life even. When viewed from this lens, having gratitude is just a natural extension of existence. Extending this belief, I realised that my birth with substantial privilege is probably for a purpose. I don't advocate for pure capitalism. Society is not created equal, and while the philosophy of meritocratic rule sounds good in theory, society has time and time again converged to asymmetric wealth distribution and influence at a scale where the poor hardly stand a chance. Privilege is truly a blessing, and I have a strong value system towards giving back. How do I give back? I can surely donate, but many people can do that. I want to educate the under-privileged, give back in a fashion that comes more naturally to me and aligns with the gifts I am grateful to be blessed with. Education is a big mess in India currently, why I feel so is a topic for another time, but fixing it in my world-view is how I want to contribute. This is the core crux behind why I'm grinding. To become better, to be more skilled, to reach my peak potential, and hopefully, eventually, to distill everything I am into shareable pieces to give back into society. That would be my mark on the world. No money, no fame, just satisfaction that I've done justice to winning the lottery in life by being born into privilege. Every second I turn complacent, is a reminder that so many people would die to be where I am right now. Not that I won't enjoy life, that's not how it works. But I surely ai'nt slacking off. The grind is what will get me there, and this is as good a reason to grind as any. There are times when I come to this to 'feel' it and push myself, the darker days when nothing seems to make sense. I'm glad I got this out here. Etching things here somehow just seems to crystallize my beliefs even more.