Confessions of a Digital Nomad

The concept of a higher power has always allured me, a person who has had a pious constitution for as long as he can remember. This belief always helped me confide in something external, with the hope that everything will work out eventually. Humans, I believe are wired that way. A comprehensive debate with my flatmate, a few months ago, led us to the conclusion that hope, by the very nature of it, is a primal instinct. Think about it this way. Every living being wants survival, and would always want to deal with the uncertaintities of life with some kind of optimism. That implicitly implies taking your fears and putting them on something external, with the idea that things will work out for you. I will someday write more about this, trying to convince you in case you differ with me. Today I need to pen down a moment, probably the most life changing moment I've experienced in my life so far. When I took a psychology class in college, I never understood the significance of eudaimoni...

I spiralled today, big time. I recently heard about the concept of a panic attack. They say that your chest shuts down, and the walls seem to close in on you. In that very moment, you feel like just getting out of that moment, whatever it takes for it. I wouldn't call my experience a panic attack per se. But it was horrible. Pretty close to it. I am coming to terms with the fact that this all was probably the biggest mistake of my life. It was a mistake because I don't feel that strongly about my desires anymore, the very reason I took the step. Caprice will probably kill me someday. I wish I could tell her how much I regret this and will want to work to get over it. How much I value and love her as a wonderful human being, how much I cherish our intellectual conversations, how much I wish I did not overthink and spiral that day. I don't think it makes any difference anymore. I hope to God it would. Probably life has other plans, or maybe this had to happen this way for us ...

I broke a heart. I became the cause I broke someone, real bad. I took the best day of their life and ruined it. Because of my issues, because of me not able to control my own head. Enough is enough. Today, I create a resolution to meditate every single day going forward. I will come back to this to hold myself accountable. This day, pens down my resolve and I will stand true to it.